Stuck and sucks.

 Dear self. 

If you ever wondered, where am I at the moment? I am at home, sitting along in my son's room trying to let everything out from my chest. This burden I carried that seems never wants to go away. 

29. This big number has left me with unspoken thoughts. Too much to say makes me don't even know where to start.. so bye........................

Allah tempat memohon pertolongan dan berharap.

Pernah tak terfikir satu saat dalam hidup yang tanda Allah sayangkan seseorang hamba nya itu adalah melalui UJIAN? Ujian yang datang dalam pelbagai bentuk dan keadaan. Ujian atau dugaan yang tidak menentu sama ada besar atau kecil atau sekejap atau mungkin terlalu lama. Selalu aku dengar orang cakap Allah tidak akan menguji hamba nya dengan perkara yang Dia tahu hamba itu tidak mampu sebab Allah Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu.

Dan bagi aku, ujian aku adalah ANAK. 

Aku luahkan disini supaya esok aku tidak lagi bermain dengan emosi. supaya satu hari nanti kalau semua yang aku rasakan ini hanya lah kerisauan aku je dan masa tu aku lupa aku pernah hadapi situasi ni, aku boleh baca dan tergelak sorang sorang. 

Aku bersyukur sepanjang kehidupan aku, aku tidak pernah merasakan SUSAH. Takkisah la berkaitan apa pon tapi aku rasa Allah bagi aku kehidupan yang senang. Tak mewah tp cukup senang kalau nak bandingkan dengan nasib orang lain yang kurang bernasib baik. Aku dikelilingi dengan orang orang yang baik dan beragama. Ibu dengan ayah orang yang baik baik. Bila aku kawin, Allah beri aku seorang lelaki yang baik. Nikmat paling besar aku dapat dari ciri ciri seorang lelaki adalah lelaki itu menjaga solat nya. Itu terlalu cukup untuk aku label kan dia seorang lelaki yang baik. 

Semuanya cukup. Ada je yang tak sempurna, duit bukannya selalu ada. Tapi duit bukan la pengukur yang tepat kan. Jadi, aku selalu tertanya dimanakah ujian untuk aku? Tertanya tapi takpernah zahirkan di mulut sebab aku takut aku tidak mampu... Tapi di sudut hati yang paling dalam, itu lah soalan selalu bermain.

Aku dah 3 tahun kawen, alhamdulillah senang dapat anak. Dulu orang cakap aku mesti susah nak ada anak sebab aku gemuk. Tapi Allah tunjuk rezeki tu ada je kalau memang untuk kita.

Dan lepas anak aku umur 2 tahun, dia masih belum bercakap...

Sekarang ni aku dan suami tengah usaha untuk bagi dia peluang untuk bercakap termasuklah berhabis duit daftar therapy, playschool dan sebagainya.

Bila cakap pasal anak, aku akan jadi seorang yang sangat sensetif dan emosi. Takkisah lah orang nak cakap apa tapi tu lah perasaan aku. Aku yakin je semua mak atau ibu atau mama mesti akan rasa macam tu. Jadi, instinct aku sebagai seorang ibu ni kuat mengatakan anak aku ni 'special'.

Taktau lah nak cakap macam mana tapi perasaan ni dia macam bercampur baur. Mestilah tak happy. Dan semestinya bukan bangga. Tapi lebih kepada sedih? atau hiba? atau sayu? dan semua perasaan yang bermain ni aku kena pendam dan sorokkan. Tiada siapa yang tahu melainkan Allah. 

Kenapa kena pendam? Sebab bukan mudah untuk orang faham jiwa mak. jiwa aku yang melahirkan dia ni. Takde apa yang aku nak untuk anak aku selain daripada dia bahagia, dia berjaya, dia sihat dan dia jadi manusia yang baik dan soleh. Tapi kalau lah memang Allah dah tentukan anak kita ni tak mampu nak jadi berjaya atau hidup normal macam orang lain, apa kita boleh buat selain dari redha? Dan manusia ni lebih ramai yang menghukum dari memahami atau mendoakan. Kata kata orang ni lebih tajam dari pisau. 

Sedangkan suami isteri sendiri bercengkam lidah bila cakap pasal anak. Aku rasa dia tak faham aku, dia pulak rasa aku tak cukup ilmu dan penuh dengan emosi :) Padahal dua dua tahu yang kita sama sama nak yang terbaik untuk anak. Kita dua dua tahu yang kita ni dalam proses keliru untuk menerima sebab taktahu lagi keputusan Ya atau Tidak. Faham tak? 

Okay, let say we've come to the scariest part of the journey which is kita confirm anak kita special. Ya Allah hanya Engkau yang mengerti kesedihan jiwa ni. Ya Allah aku nak anak aku normal ya Allah. Aku nak anak aku berjaya dunia akhirat. Sayunya aku rasa Ya Allah.

Tapi betul ke kalau dia 'special' dia tak berjaya? Apa maksud 'special'?

Anak special ni sudah tentu ke syurga. Anak ini mempunya tempat yang istimewa di sisi Allah. Kita ni? yang normal ni? belum tentu ke syurga kan.. Dan aku sebagai ibu? Allah tu dah baik sangat dah bagi aku ticket free dan jalan mudah nak ke syurga. Sedangkan aku ni tak jaga solat tak jaga iman tak jaga aurat.. semua lah tak jaga. Tapi baiknya Allah tu dia bagi aku short lane nak pergi syurga melalui UJIAN ini. Allahuakhbar. 

Aku yakin dan tersangat yakin, Allah itu mendengar dan mengetahui semua nya. Dia tahu aku. Dia faham aku. Dan aku yakin jugak dia pasti akan bantu dan selamatkan aku takkira apa pon. Hanya Dia tempat untuk aku meminta pertolongan dan berharap. Tiada nyawa atau jiwa yang akan faham perasaan ini selain Dia. 

Sekiranya, memang betul lah sangkaan aku, Ya Allah aku redha dan aku minta kat Allah supaya dia berikan aku kekuatan, kesabaran dan rezeki yang melimpah ruah dan tidak pernah putus supaya aku dapat berikan yang terbaik untuk anak aku. Semoga Allah berikan aku ruang dan masa untuk aku bersama dengan anak aku di dunia dan akhirat. 

who are you, really?

Where do I even begin? at the age of 28, I started to question about everything I am now. How I ended up in this kind of life? what did I've done in previous time of my life? who raised me until I become this type of human? have I did anything good? have I done any achivement? Did I really wish I had all of this before I had not? Oh God, istighfar. I really need to.

We all must had one thing we always scared of. Anything? Everything? That just scare the shit out of us. One thing i can tell now is, who I am going to be in the next 5 years. So for now I am a mother. Am i a good mother now? I have a son and he is really amazing. The question I always ask myself, can i be a good mother to him? I don't want to raise him just like how I raised by mother. NO! I don't want that.

I was raised by a person who tell me the things that she wants to tell. Anyhing including the things that might hurt my feelings. She can say anything she wanted and everytime she speaks of me, I'm hurt. She always torture my feeling by telling me my weakness and my uncapabality of doing everything. I guess Im the one to blame since I don't ever allowed myself sulking or even cry. Not even once. and I bet she thinks I am okay. Always okay and dont have feelings at all. If we speaks of this in Bahasa, I'll bet it will get easier for people to really understand what I've gone through all this time. Once and for all, please let me let it out. Shall I?

how's life now huh girl?

 At some point, i don't really feel comfort. I feel like i don't belong here yet couldn't think where else i shall belong. What makes me think that way? That is exactly how ungrateful person describe themselves. I declared my own war with my self anger. I ignored the person who cared about me. I left a soul who loved me sincerely. I seek attention from those who didn't care. I regretted I did that. I barely know who I am yet I am too ignorance to lower my pride asking God to please forgive me. I know i should be grateful, there's part of me saying God has always being nice to me. He gave me a life way too good. Waaayy too perfect. I am not allowed to get all this blessing. I count my good deeds and yet I did not find one valid. Oh Allah, You're so kind. Syukur Alhamdullilah.  

Then in what way you think you have the right to be ungrateful? 

wish you could be nice, 2024?

Dear Mii,

                okay, where to start? eventually it is already 2024. Many years has gone by since my last post. It is a shame to admit I am actually forgot how to write. I am lost in the world of modern mechanism, latest technology and newest IT era which has taken me away from my hidden hobby. I love to write diaries. I had innumerable pile of diary books back in school. I miss those times. Despite nobody knows but I love how writing could actually express my never-ending streams of thoughts I had in my mind. 

So, I am now 28 years old. I am married with one kid. hey! I have a son. I didn't believe myself I am actually a mom now. The younger version of myself would've been so proud of me. A girl who used to get her heart broken so many times before now had a son. My true love. I love him so much. He lights up my life. He's wonderful. He's miracle and his name is Noah :) A cheeky boy who stole my heart and never gave it back.

Even so. I am still the way I am. We are being told to be real or to stay realistic so that we are aware enough to not get our heart hurts. But are we too realistic to ever fall in love? 

 Assalamualaikum and Hi! to anyone who happen to read this :)

Soooo dah lama tak curhat di sini ye. Oklah, macam mana nak luahkan ni? Dah 2022 dah oiiiiiiiiii!

I'm married last year and this year we are expecting our first child together. How incredible is that sound?

Syukur alhamdulillah for this blessing, Ya Rabb. I've been through a lot, like what has happened really hurts and after all the hardship Allah gave me such a pleasant husband and great life I couldnt ask for more. Saya doakan sesiapa sahaja semoga dia dapat apa yang dia inginkan dan tidak lagi bergantung dan ingat kepada masa silam yeeee. Aamin Ya Rabbal Alamin. 

Ok lah tu je heheh, till we meet again. Bye! Annyeong!

finding a perfect match!

how should I start? where? and how did it happen? hm i don't know. I'm giving myself spaces as much as I want but seems like forever is never enough. People keep telling me I shouldn't push myself too hard. I should move on, and I agreed. So here I am letting everything out of my chest and mind once and for all. Like a revenge, I wanted to be happy again. Just simply to be happy. but i don't even know where to begin. I keep on dwelling on the past. It is the pain. It haunts me every time I wanted to start all over again. Too afraid to meet someone new. The fear of losing the one I love is the most scariest thing. I'be been spending the last five months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end.

I never realized what I have back then until the moment I lost it. I never thank God enough for the love I received until the love is no longer mine. But Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. He knows your love is not good for me. The love I desire has taken me far away from my creator. That is why.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

I've made wrong decision but little did i know that decision leads me to the right choice. Maybe it is me who left. Maybe it's me who broke your heart. The guilt is mine.  But I came back, seeking apologies for my mistakes, begging and swallowing my pride saying I'm sorry but he just moved on. The guy who once made me the most happiest girl in the world is now completely stranger to me. I told you, you will forever be the guy I know too well. The guy who will never say no to me. But now you do and finally you're firm with your answer! Well done :)

If I chose to stay, I will never met the real you. I broke you heart but you broke mine into thousand pieces you could never imagined. You know exactly what I've been through. You saw me struggling with the pain. Still you left. But it is completely okay.

Alhamdulillah Allah has taken away what is not good for me and pretty sure He will replace with someone way better than what I asked for. I wanted someone who is exactly for me, someone will never left me. Someone who never made promises that he couldn't keep. He is breaking me to heal me. This heartbreaks was sent to bring me back to Allah. It hurts. Alhamdullilah ya Rabb.

Can't stand it :(

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,

How we met and the sparks flew instantly,

People would say, "They're the lucky ones."

I used to know my place was a spot next to you, Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat, Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication, miscommunications lead to fall-out. So many things that I wish you knew, So many walls that I can't break through.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking, And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?

I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?

See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,

And you're doing your best to avoid me.

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us, How I was losing my mind when I saw you here, But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,

I've never heard silence quite this loud.

This is looking like a contest,

Of who can act like they care less,

But I liked it better when you were on my side.

The battle's in your hands now,

But I would lay my armor down

If you said you'd rather love than fight.

So many things that you wished I knew,

But the story of us might be ending soon.

The end

Comparing Each Other

Before we start, note that this is my blog. I can post whatever I want and you have to accept the fact. I have my voices and if you're not okay with that, then get lost. Unless there are words that may lead you to suicide or anything, let me know okay?

Well, I hate to say it, but we're sort of like living in a society where people actually compare each other. Everyone wants to be better than everyone else. Everyone is hating on each other. Well, it's not our fault that we hate ourselves. We were sort of like taught how to do this. In fact, we were even taught way back when we were in kindergarten. Competition. All those tests, exams, who's prettier, who's better at sports and stuffs. It's like we were rank by our appearance.

And when you judge someone based on their appearance, that's not your fault either. It's like your brain is all "Why is she fat?" "Haaahh, she's so fake". Well, we judge each other. Everybody's judging. Whats worst is that sometimes, we might have the desire to compete in any way. Everybody wants to be the best, the prettiest, have the best body, they want to be the most popular, whatever! And when you find someone who has all of that stuffs, what do you do? Insecurities.

And then what happens? We want to see them be sad or dumped by because they're so happy and pretty so that we could feel better but in reality, all you need to do is to stop comparing yourself. Once upon a time, I compare myself a lot. I'm always the ugliest, I'm always the stupidest. But as soon as I accept the fact that I might not be the most prettiest or the best of the best, it's takes all the pressure off!

I realized that you don't have to be better than anyone else, you just have to be you! So what if you get a B for a test and you can never get an A for it? It sort of means that your level of intelligence isn't good enough but at least you get to be you! There's always going to be other people to compare you with someone else. Well let them be the ones to be like "This girl is the prettier than this one" or whatever.

But hey, the one thing that I know is that there's going to be only one me! And that is the best thing that I can offer to the world! And then people will be all "Well, she's not that threatening! She seems nice, I want to make friends with her!". We all have something in us that no one else has and if you just do that instead of what society is telling you to do, then we could all be united or whatsoever blahblahblah.

This is a hard thing, you're going to deal with this every year, people comparing you and competing with you and whatever and the more you be like "Ohh whatever, I'm just being myself. Silly me yadiyadiyada", the more you will feel better and the people who's judging you can actually shut the f up.

Sometimes, it's good to compete with each other so that you would like "She's so smart, I have to learn harder to be smarter than her", it's good. I'm just noting the ones where you would be like "She's so pretty, why am I so ugly? I hate myself! *takes knife and do lots of lines on your wrist*" If God wants you to be like that, so be it! Be freaking grateful for once in your life!

And even if they're really pretty or really ugly or whatever you think, she is probably as insecure as you are because we're girls and we have insecurities a lot like "I'm jealous of that girl's hair" or "Why can't I be skinnier?". We gotta learn to accept our appearance and let society kill the murderers or whatever. Okay?

Wow, that was a lot to discuss about but I'm just stating my opinion because you know in Twitter, everyone's comparing and wanting to be better and stuff. Enjoy your life for crying out loud. Assalammualaikum x

The Truth

Of course, you're going to get your heart broken. And it isn't just going to happen once, but a lot. That's just part of growing up, and it makes you stronger. Then you can handle it better next time. You may not get through it yourself, but your friends will help you through it. And you'll be a stronger person because of it. Then one day someone will come along, and it'll all pay off and no one will ever break your heart again.
The hardest thing about growing up is that you have to do what is right for you even if it means breaking someone's heart. Including your own.
Sometimes all you need is a broken heart to realize that something even better is right in front of our eyes, just waiting to be found.
No one can promise they'll never hurt you because at one time or another, it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spend together will be worth the pain in the end. The worst feeling in the world is knowing you've been used and lied to.
A friend sometimes comes into your life when you least expect it. Except them and carry them close as they may be the one who is always by your side. 
I didn't change, I grew up
I don't forgive people because I'm weak, I forgive them because I'm strong enough to know that people make mistakes. I'm not a perfect girl.
I'm falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground. I'll still smile. I can only build if I tear the walls down even if it breaks me I wont let it make me frown.
A simple friend thinks the friendship over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that its not a friendship until after you've had a fight
Some people are too tired to give you a smile, so give them one of yours as no one needs a smile as much as the one who has no more to give. Today, if a smile comes to you, a happy smile that perhaps you can’t explain, it’s because in that moment I am thinking of you and smiling too.
I have that one friend that can make me laugh any time even on a really bad day
Memory can glean, but can never renew. It brings us joys faint as is the perfume of the flowers, faded and dried, of the summer that is gone
If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. So this is one of my bestfriend that I always share my story w her :) Shes always made my day although I'm not in my mood
A best friend is like a sister, goes though everything together and will always be there for you no matter what
I don't believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

beautiful girl

Assalammualaikum everyone :) It's been literally 4-5 days since my last post, I'm tremendously sorry eventho nobody cares.

Everywhere I go, I see pretty girls walking around with their cool branded outfits and I'm here, being small, just walking past their life with an old bag and some random outfit I randomly choose from the not-so-big closet of mine. 

I kept on reminding myself, everybody's beautiful. Everybody has their own special way. Blah blah blah, whatever. But beneath my positive thinking and helpless thoughts, there's something in me just keeps on saying, you're the ugliest girl alive. Hah, too much? Sigh, I actually do care about what people think.  I honestly don't know why.

I'm basically surrounded by such beautiful girls and I often think to myself that I'm never good enough. I'm never going to be the girl who walks by a class and everyone looking at her, eyes all full of jealousy. I'm never going to be the girl that stands out. I'm the girl who stands behind her friend's shadow. I'm the girl who isn't good enough in anything. I'm the girl who sounds smart but not. I'm the girl with no flawless skin. I'm the girl who's me.