Where do I even begin? at the age of 28, I started to question about everything I am now. How I ended up in this kind of life? what did I've done in previous time of my life? who raised me until I become this type of human? have I did anything good? have I done any achivement? Did I really wish I had all of this before I had not? Oh God, istighfar. I really need to.
We all must had one thing we always scared of. Anything? Everything? That just scare the shit out of us. One thing i can tell now is, who I am going to be in the next 5 years. So for now I am a mother. Am i a good mother now? I have a son and he is really amazing. The question I always ask myself, can i be a good mother to him? I don't want to raise him just like how I raised by mother. NO! I don't want that.
I was raised by a person who tell me the things that she wants to tell. Anyhing including the things that might hurt my feelings. She can say anything she wanted and everytime she speaks of me, I'm hurt. She always torture my feeling by telling me my weakness and my uncapabality of doing everything. I guess Im the one to blame since I don't ever allowed myself sulking or even cry. Not even once. and I bet she thinks I am okay. Always okay and dont have feelings at all. If we speaks of this in Bahasa, I'll bet it will get easier for people to really understand what I've gone through all this time. Once and for all, please let me let it out. Shall I?